I am feeling under the weather recently. It may have somehing to do with my persistent cough that is making my throat sore. Or it could be that the whole family was sick for a week since our Hk trip and the kids are still coughing badly, sleeping a lot and eating very little; especially Landon.
All the above plus Landon is starting his formal education in a mainstream school in two days’ time and I am nervous. I am worried. I am anxious. I am hopeful. I am scared. He is a slow learner and likes to disturb others... so I am worried.
It was in HK that I started ti feel depressed. I felt that I have lost my sense of identity. I am a mother. But who am I. Take my kods away, and what is left of me? The constant 24/7 of being with them stressed me out. I need space. Maybe I just need Landon to behave.
He can read a little now but his pace of learning is atill not comparae to normal kids his age. I am at times lost. What else can I do.
Other than Landon, I have Ashlyn to worry about too. Her attitude towards me. Her laziness. Her dirtiness. It is sad.
Sunday, December 31, 2017
Tuesday, October 11, 2016
Today I feel GOOD
Today is J's 39th birthday.
We had lunch at Jamie's at Forum and blew a tiny cake after dinner.
It was a simple celebration but it was filled with love.
I am thankful all four of us are healthy, happy and together on this special day.
I am happy.
After some persuading, L was willing to read a book with me and I felt happy.
He was motivated by the star chart and the promise of Disneyland ：）
As he is an intuitive child, it has never been easy to trick him into doing something he is not comfortable with, like reading and writing. So we did good today.
I am happy and thankful.
We had lunch at Jamie's at Forum and blew a tiny cake after dinner.
It was a simple celebration but it was filled with love.
I am thankful all four of us are healthy, happy and together on this special day.
I am happy.
After some persuading, L was willing to read a book with me and I felt happy.
He was motivated by the star chart and the promise of Disneyland ：）
As he is an intuitive child, it has never been easy to trick him into doing something he is not comfortable with, like reading and writing. So we did good today.
I am happy and thankful.
Wednesday, September 28, 2016
How time flies... but is it for the better
It is 29 September 2016.
6 years have passed since my last post and many things have changed.
The first time I created this post was when I had Landon and he was very sick. I almost lost him and I have felt I am solely responsible for his situation.
Since then, I have been thinking about his future, his sickness and delays, the help that he needed. It felt that every second I was kept on my toes. It's as if something bad will happen anytime; if not now, then later.
Landon is six now. He only started talking a year back and it wasn't easy for him. It's equivalent to me taking a third language... for him, talking wasn't natural... it was like a handicapped learning to walk... it took him a year to learn to recognise alphabets... and it took him years to learn to write alphabets. Now we are still trying to teach him to read...
Difficulties... yes... in many ways... some slow kids are hardworking... some smart kids have attention deficit... but it seems that L is slow, unwilling to try and has ADHD. All these factors plus an impatient mum aggravated the matter.
Even though academic is one of my concerns, the biggest one right now is his behaviour. He hits, throws and kicks when he is sad, angry or frustrated.
Seriously, I think he is the only man on earth who has managed to tame my temper, to a certain extent.
Where are we....
Geographically, we have moved to Singapore which is better for the kids' education and we are close to TOP-notched medical facilities.
I can only take a day as it comes... and not give up hope on L.
Many times, I have given up... and then I tried again...
If not me, then who?
6 years have passed since my last post and many things have changed.
The first time I created this post was when I had Landon and he was very sick. I almost lost him and I have felt I am solely responsible for his situation.
Since then, I have been thinking about his future, his sickness and delays, the help that he needed. It felt that every second I was kept on my toes. It's as if something bad will happen anytime; if not now, then later.
Landon is six now. He only started talking a year back and it wasn't easy for him. It's equivalent to me taking a third language... for him, talking wasn't natural... it was like a handicapped learning to walk... it took him a year to learn to recognise alphabets... and it took him years to learn to write alphabets. Now we are still trying to teach him to read...
Difficulties... yes... in many ways... some slow kids are hardworking... some smart kids have attention deficit... but it seems that L is slow, unwilling to try and has ADHD. All these factors plus an impatient mum aggravated the matter.
Even though academic is one of my concerns, the biggest one right now is his behaviour. He hits, throws and kicks when he is sad, angry or frustrated.
Seriously, I think he is the only man on earth who has managed to tame my temper, to a certain extent.
Where are we....
Geographically, we have moved to Singapore which is better for the kids' education and we are close to TOP-notched medical facilities.
I can only take a day as it comes... and not give up hope on L.
Many times, I have given up... and then I tried again...
If not me, then who?
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
A Poem
I gaze upon his little face
And listen quietly to his rhythmic breaths
I lay my chin upon his bed
And said a silent prayer
There was once we were separated by a thin cold glass
The smell of antiseptic in the air
He was so near yet so far
Our pain shown clearly through our smiles
This lil' warrior who knew no fear
Had the guts to fight cuts and darts
I thought of you there and then
And quickly look at you here and now
My prayers will never cease
Cause you gave me something to believe
And listen quietly to his rhythmic breaths
I lay my chin upon his bed
And said a silent prayer
There was once we were separated by a thin cold glass
The smell of antiseptic in the air
He was so near yet so far
Our pain shown clearly through our smiles
This lil' warrior who knew no fear
Had the guts to fight cuts and darts
I thought of you there and then
And quickly look at you here and now
My prayers will never cease
Cause you gave me something to believe
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
I held him longer today
I looked at him sleep for a longer period of time tonight.
I feel very strongly about the lack of good medical facilities here, especially for children. It hurts me deeply each time I hear about a kid dying, a child who has brain tumor, leukemia ... And it goes straight to the heart when they could have been saved but time has been lost in the hands of incompetent doctors here. Isn't there some ways they can set up a support system and seek advice from more experienced doctors from other countries. Or their ego is more valuable than the lives of these children? Is there no wake up call for these egoistic creatures.
I remember a pediatric surgeon once told me, "don't worry, babies are more resilient than they look". And he was right. So to let a child die during treatment... That is something. Please don't get used to it.
I feel very strongly about the lack of good medical facilities here, especially for children. It hurts me deeply each time I hear about a kid dying, a child who has brain tumor, leukemia ... And it goes straight to the heart when they could have been saved but time has been lost in the hands of incompetent doctors here. Isn't there some ways they can set up a support system and seek advice from more experienced doctors from other countries. Or their ego is more valuable than the lives of these children? Is there no wake up call for these egoistic creatures.
I remember a pediatric surgeon once told me, "don't worry, babies are more resilient than they look". And he was right. So to let a child die during treatment... That is something. Please don't get used to it.
Monday, November 1, 2010
2 November
Thank you for the reply... It made me shed a tear here and there... Caused me an hour of sleep... Hahaha
It is a bright sunny day and both of our little ones are busy with their own stuffs- one of them is barneying...
It didn't start that well for me but that means it could only get better ya. Nothing big. Just sharp tongued nanny.
It is a bright sunny day and both of our little ones are busy with their own stuffs- one of them is barneying...
It didn't start that well for me but that means it could only get better ya. Nothing big. Just sharp tongued nanny.
Our future
I never thought I will come back to blogging, what with the popularity of friendster and later facebook, which basically covers blogging but it is simpler with picture and status updates form. It's like blogging for the lazy, illiterate and exhibitionists.
Why have I come back? After 3 years...
When I look back, it seems the Pattern is obvious... Symptoms - insomnia, suppressed guilt, sadness... And when talking to my better half did not help.
It started on 14 march 2010. When my contractions are timed 5 minutes apart. ... Didn't let the nurses check.. Admitted to the inadequate hospital, with a sub standard gynea.. Had a difficult delivery that caused my beautiful son to contract NEC. Due to my negligence, we only noticed something was wrong on his 4 th day of life. Admitted him to the local hospital. Aggravated his condition by waiting and had to finally fly him out on a chartered flight on his 8th day of life... He had his first operation then, and another five more in the following four months of life...
I skipped a lot of painful details cause they still make me cry.
From choosing the gynae, giving birth locally, not being attentive, ... And the thought of almost losing him brings a stab to my heart. I will never be able to live normally again if anything should happened to him. It would be worse than death. It is the kind of pain that only mothers can fully comprehend.
I thank god every night for the miracle.
My lovely boy survived. He has the sunniest disposition ever. He has a ready smile for every one and it is always a full grin, ear to ear I tell you! He doesn't cry without a reason and take everything with a strike and in a positive manner. I just know... Even though he is only seven and a had months old at the moment.
He has proven to be strong for me. Be it recovering in the hospital or when he had diarrhea and bronchiliatis after discharge. I try to be strong for him in return and is thankful that my partner gives me strength and encouragement throughout. Without him, I know the battle would have been doubly hard.
I love you son. I still cry when I thought of what you went through at such a young age. I am still scared when I remembered laying on the hospital bed in that dark room in that hospital... Cause I know I could have lost you, your sister and everyone I love there and then... And I know I am partially responsible.
I can never watch a movie or read a book that remotely reminds me of what could have been... But you have been strong for me. And your father always say to remember and think of the positive and good... And I promise to be strong. To always focus on our future.. And your infectious smile... Inquisitive eyes..
Our future together.... That was what that have kept me going in the long painful hours in the NICU. That was what we talked about, wasn't it... And aren't younall psyched up for California and Disneyland.
Why have I come back? After 3 years...
When I look back, it seems the Pattern is obvious... Symptoms - insomnia, suppressed guilt, sadness... And when talking to my better half did not help.
It started on 14 march 2010. When my contractions are timed 5 minutes apart. ... Didn't let the nurses check.. Admitted to the inadequate hospital, with a sub standard gynea.. Had a difficult delivery that caused my beautiful son to contract NEC. Due to my negligence, we only noticed something was wrong on his 4 th day of life. Admitted him to the local hospital. Aggravated his condition by waiting and had to finally fly him out on a chartered flight on his 8th day of life... He had his first operation then, and another five more in the following four months of life...
I skipped a lot of painful details cause they still make me cry.
From choosing the gynae, giving birth locally, not being attentive, ... And the thought of almost losing him brings a stab to my heart. I will never be able to live normally again if anything should happened to him. It would be worse than death. It is the kind of pain that only mothers can fully comprehend.
I thank god every night for the miracle.
My lovely boy survived. He has the sunniest disposition ever. He has a ready smile for every one and it is always a full grin, ear to ear I tell you! He doesn't cry without a reason and take everything with a strike and in a positive manner. I just know... Even though he is only seven and a had months old at the moment.
He has proven to be strong for me. Be it recovering in the hospital or when he had diarrhea and bronchiliatis after discharge. I try to be strong for him in return and is thankful that my partner gives me strength and encouragement throughout. Without him, I know the battle would have been doubly hard.
I love you son. I still cry when I thought of what you went through at such a young age. I am still scared when I remembered laying on the hospital bed in that dark room in that hospital... Cause I know I could have lost you, your sister and everyone I love there and then... And I know I am partially responsible.
I can never watch a movie or read a book that remotely reminds me of what could have been... But you have been strong for me. And your father always say to remember and think of the positive and good... And I promise to be strong. To always focus on our future.. And your infectious smile... Inquisitive eyes..
Our future together.... That was what that have kept me going in the long painful hours in the NICU. That was what we talked about, wasn't it... And aren't younall psyched up for California and Disneyland.
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